Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
