I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
