but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
