I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
