i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
