I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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