Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
