one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize