So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
