broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
