Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
