She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize