Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
