im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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