My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
