i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The power of my boobs compel you
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
