This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize