"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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