my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
