My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
