I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize