I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize