this beer tastes like vomit already
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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