i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
