i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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