Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
