You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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