I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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