M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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