just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
