Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
