She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
