My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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