that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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