I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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