I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize