I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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