yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
