WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
