It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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