i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
