headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
