So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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