I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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