i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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