i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
