I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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