your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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