If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
