We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
