i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
