did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
