I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
