Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
